Unsolicited Advice to Alexander James on the Occasion of your Twenty-first Birthday from your Loving Mother

I do not know what it is to be a young man in this millennium; I do not know what it is to live your life, work your job, have your friends; I do not have the same worries or concerns or habits or thoughts or feelings that you do. 

I do know how to sew on a button or darn a sock even if I prefer to throw the sock away and buy a new pair while still letting that orphan sock haunt my sock drawer for at least a year before discarding it.

I do not know why some things just disappear: friendships, money, the good pizza cutter, patience, your dinosaur Neol, detailed knowledge of the Battle of Gettysburg or those irritations that you think are going to turn into a blister on your foot after wearing just the wrong shoes. 

I do not understand the need for geometry in everyday life, and I do not understand the reason for anything mathematical beyond fractions and basic functions; however, I accept that there are people who know more than I and they understand these things.

I know that a good glass of wine is nice with dinner; I know that some days require one too many glasses of wine; I know that five too many shots of low-end vodka will not serve anyone well the next morning (or that night, as a matter of fact); I know that when you are twenty-one drunkenness seems fun, and I know that when you are forty-six and you can’t remember certain times of your life that drunken fun seems counterproductive.  Red eyes and pounding heads and aching necks and dry tongues are no substitute for really living.

I don’t understand why hamsters eat their babies, but I have witnessed it happen.  I don’t know why male seahorses fulfill human mother roles, but I am glad I am not a seahorse because I would have missed too many moments with you.

I know that ignorance is not terminal; intelligence is not contained in degrees hung on a wall; thoughtfulness can mean timeliness; it’s no good to pretend you know everything – there is bliss in admitting you need instruction or guidance or advice because in this admission, you are released from a measure of responsibility.

I understand that mean people will always be mean people, but some people are unkind because they are scared or worried or sad.  Unkindness is not meanness.  Meanness is an incurable narrowed soul that refuses attempts at softening.  I know that it is best to assume that people are unkind only – it will be disappointing, but assuming people are mean only hurts your own soul.  Too many tears.

I do know how to make spaghetti sauce from tomatoes and garlic and oil and onions, and I know that this spaghetti sauce is better consumed with friends in candlelight than alone in front of the TV. 

I believe it is better to think quietly and speak quietly despite the fact that I have yelled and thrown a bread loaf across the room.  I know you catch more flies with honey than vinegar, but who wants a room full of flies?  Temperance with words will get you farther than you think.

I know that when done well, sex is fun.  I know that sex is not love and love is not sex.  One may be borne out of the other, but you must be cautious with which way you think that goes.  Pornography is interesting and stimulating, and ultimately deflating.  Better to cultivate an imagination than amass viewing hours. 

I don’t know which days they will be, but I know that there will be days when you will be offered a seven course, five-star meal and all you will really want is the comfort of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or a bowl of macaroni and cheese.

I know – boy, do I know this one – your siblings are your best friends.  Doesn’t matter how many or few friends you have or how connected you are to them or how often or rarely you talk to your brothers.  They knew you when you were unknowable and they love you when you are unloveable and they will tell you when you need to get your shit together and they will tell you when you are being an insufferable fuck.  There is absolutely no replacement in the world for the love of a brother or sister.

I don’t know what you should be when you grow up – I just now learned what I should be when I grow up!  But, I know that if done right, the finding out and pursuing that can be the best journey ever.  Skills acquired and lessons learned along the way will all come together on an on-going basis to create meaning.

I know that jokes at the expense of others are never worth it.  Harm comes to those to tell them and those who hear them.  Humor in life is abundant, so is spirit-crushing: those two should never be mixed.

I believe there is God.  And, I believe I know him.  I know you do not agree.  I do not mind that you don’t agree, but there is value in understanding that you are part of something much larger than yourself:  the family of God; the human race; the elegant universe; the space-time continuum – you are not alone.

I know there is value in setting your mind to do something and doing it.  This is also probably one of the hardest things to do.  Once you set out on a path, don’t get distracted just because some side roads have flowers along the edges while yours seems to have nettles.  Your path will clear and be lined with flowers soon enough. 

I know that it is our parents that we are hardest on when we judge.  It is required to forgive friends; it is easy to forgive lovers; it is imperative to forgive those younger.  But, when reviewing our lives, harsh judgment often falls on parents because who else has known us all our lives?  Indeed, who else has been more pivotal – for better or worse - in our lives?  Color the lines of judgment that you draw with softer hues, and you will be better for it. 

Finally, I know that you shouldn’t drink orange juice after brushing your teeth; don’t mix whiskey and Mt. Dew (it’s really gross); pets are wonderful but expensive and often irritating, same goes for lovers; brunch is always a good idea; exercise in fresh air is better than a treadmill in a gym; buying flowers will always cheer you up; if you are very sad, get in water, it will help; when people die, you will keep corner for them forever; writing a journal is worth the time; and, you know, you just never know.  Heart open. Head up.

And all of these things are worth your consideration because I am more than twice your age; because I have endured some pains you will never know; and, because I have the distinct joy of being your mother.

With love, now and forever and always,

Your Mother