On online dating, meeting people, and how it all ends up: or, what I've come to call "the year of dating dangerously."
First things first: for my mother's peace of mind and clarification. There was never any real danger - physically or otherwise. And, secondly, it wasn't really a year, more like seven months, on and off. Finally, as a point of reference for all readers: I was not looking for an oath-swearing-jewelry-and-flowers-giving man. Someone to go to the movies with, have a meal and a good conversation with once in a while, and make out with, if I had actually stated a goal, which I didn't.
Many of you know that my divorce was finally final this past year, in February to be precise. There's something about the finality of those papers that can make one think, "Well, shit, let's party." I didn't think that. I thought, well, ok. And left it alone until the end of the school year. As summer approached, I decided to look around on several online dating sites. Friends tell me that online meeting thing is no longer taboo, but just,again to clarify: I work in a high school, so I meet married fathers of my students, colleagues who are married or involved, and teenagers. I don't go to bars, and the whole grocery store cliche is just that. So, what's a single woman in Augusta, Georgia to do?
At different times this year, I used two of the more highly advertised paid sites (an ad at every SINGLE commercial break, if one is watching a "Sex and the City" marathon). The sites themselves were fine, and the people were just that: human beings. Vulnerable, heart-broken, happy, frustrated, desperate, proud human beings. There was nothing "wrong" with any of the men I went out with. Certainly, there were those with more pronounced quirks, and it is from observing and being on the receiving end of said quirks, that I offer the following for any man engaging in online dating:
1. Be honest, but don't give a list of your bodily imperfections (undescended testicle), your ex's problems (threatens you physically on a regular basis), or your sexual preferences before we even meet.
2. It does not entice me to go home with you if you offer to smoke weed with me (I am one of three people in my generation who has never done that) or take Viagra.
3. If we proceed out of the site's blind email system to texting, talking, and private email, do not send me pictures of anything below the waist. It is not pretty, and no, I will never, under any circumstances - even if I were dying of some dread disease that could only be diagnosed through a photo of "down there" and you were the world's leading expert on this disease and could cure me by seeing such a picture - reciprocate. I'd rather die.
Now, I have friends who have or are engaged in online dating who are far more humorous than I on this topic. Other friends are invested and really believe they will meet their soul mates and that Dr. WithThreeNames can help them do just that. I wish you all the best, but I'll be signing off in 2013.
Still, it hasn't been for naught. I have met some pretty interesting people, and they may show up as characters in short stories or spoken word poems in the near future. And, there are exactly two men whom I met that I like, and ta-da, although we are not dating, we remain friends. And, my sister would say that being friends is better any way.
So, in 2013, I'll not be on any dating websites. I'll be training for a triathlon, writing short stories, visiting with my friends of 20+ years, trying to survive hot yoga without passing out, going to Atlanta to try my hand at spoken word, figuring out how to fund getting my MFA, and going to Tybee and the mountains with the kids.
Still, two thoughts about "dating" or meeting men keep recurring as I reflect on this past year, as people are wont to do at the end of December. The first is the concept of the false buffet. So many people to try! They are all here for my sampling! Well, no. One may start communicating with someone...perhaps someone with whom one has common ground and attraction...and then, it is easy to get distracted by a new dish that is put out on the buffet. One may not be as interested in the newer one, but simply because it's newer, one is intrigued. This leads to a viscous cycle of never striking out beyond the superficial "sampling" with anyone. Ultimately, if one stays at the buffet, one meets a lot of people in a shallow way, but still goes home alone, and with a cloying aftertaste on the palate. And, second is what I told my friend when she asked how the dating was going. I responded, "It is like being in rural Japan. I neither speak the language nor can I read the signs." So, for the upcoming year, I will be staying a little closer to home.
Married, single, or somewhere in between, I wish you love, light, and happiness.
Peace.
