Baby Einsteins

This past week my youngest son got a rash.  My middle son ranted about the ineffectiveness of the student government at his school.  My eldest son decided to revamp his college plans – again.  None of these things are what I wanted for any of them.  We all want our kids to be healthy, to believe in that being involved in your community can improve life, and to go to college and get a good job.  None of that was happening this week for us. 

Over in New Orleans, where my sister lives, her sons’ school implemented a no-nuts policy.  It’s not a new, clever math program, nor is it a program to decrease helicopter parenting.  It is a dietary restriction for all.  As you might surmise, it is a policy that prohibits nut spreads and products throughout the school.  According to the American Peanut Board less than one percent of the population suffers from peanut or tree-nut allergies; another source suggests that 1.4% of children have nut allergies.   Compare that to 2.5 percent of children who have milk allergies.  Are we making policies at schools for the 2% now?  It would seem so over in the bayou.  If I know my nephews, they may suddenly develop allergies to homework or break out in hives over pencil lead.  As a life-long teacher, I do need to know about special needs or allergies your child has, but I don’t need the school to make policies based on those needs. 

When I was a teenager, I babysat a kid who was allergic to almost everything.  Throughout his childhood, this boy’s skin was swollen or welty because he had allergies.  He learned not to eat the things that irritated him, and his parents were cautious with his diet and contacts.  However, they did not demand across the board policies at the school to protect their son.  They taught him and those who cared for him (including the teachers) what he could and couldn’t have or do.  Institutional policy wasn’t altered for this one child.  Likewise, my Jewish friends did not picket the school demanding no pork ever be served in the lunch lines.  They simply didn’t eat it.  My middle son is a vegetarian, but he does not like people to make a big deal out of it.  If he’s going to a friend’s house, he doesn’t demand different foods or extra expense because of his needs.  Of course, there is a difference between an allergy and a dietary choice, but if a person demands that society stop just for them and their issues – whatever they are – well, that person might just be feeling a little bit overly special.

As the villain in the Disney kids’ movie The Incredibles asserts:

But everyone wants to be special.  And, every parent definitely wants their kids to be special.  Preferably for some super talent – a music prodigy, a math genius, or a future professional athlete.  The fact of the matter is that most people are regular.  In reviewing Wikipedia, it appears there are less than two hundred music prodigies worldwide, across all genres and across all instruments, including voice since the 1700s.  That’s less than one a year for the whole world – for over three hundred years. On the sports front, about one percent of NCAA Division I, II, or III players will make an NFL roster, much less be the next Drew Brees or Jimmy Graham.  But, if your child doesn’t have super talents, maybe he can be special and get attention due to his allergies?  

I work with high school students and their parents. I have found that it is immeasurably easier to be frank with the kids about their chances at getting into Harvard or Yale than it is with the parents.  All parents want to think that their child is destined for greatness, and we all know that greatness only comes out of the Ivy League.  Well, no.  But that is a prevailing attitude.  We all know that there are excellent leaders, teachers, doctors, accountants that attended State U.  That’s where most of us went to college – if we were lucky enough to go to college.  Did you know that less than seven percent of the world’s population even has a college degree?  You have one?  Feel special. 

My sister asserts that there is nothing wrong with being average. Most people are – that’s why it’s called “average.”   While that may be true, it is also certainly true that everyone wants to feel special in some respect.  On the job.  In the home.  To their spouse.  In their neighborhoods.  The problem is that many people seem to be going about earning the “special” title in the wrong way; they are trying to over-control or negatively approach situations or ideas in order to get that title.  Not everything that happens at a school or in the community requires outrage or a movement or a 5K run.  But, have a look around, and you’ll see these sorts of things happening everywhere in order make a point, or get a new policy, or raise money and awareness.  It’s exhausting; some of us just want to sit on the porch and have a beer. 

I have a neighbor who objects to everything the homeowner’s association does; she wants to be recognized and heard, but rather than get involved, she simply sends vitriolic emails to the association.  Parents want to make sure their children are learning and progressing in school.  Instead of ensuring homework is done and the child is learning responsibility, many of them lodge formal complaints, mount campaigns against certain books, or just bad mouth a school or a teacher until they get some action. Among teachers there is a phrase that is always heard, every year after parent conferences:  “Now I understand.”  If you, as a parent, have time to stand in carpool lines and complain, you have time to volunteer to help – to support the mission of the school. 

If my child fidgets a little, perhaps he is AD/HD and needs medication and extra time for tests and extensions on homework.  That’s not a way to feel special – that’s a way to guarantee your child will grow up expecting to be catered to.  And, no, I’m not disparaging those with real learning differences – like I said, 20 years in education – I know differences exist, and they need to be addressed.  But, there are those parents who simply want extra attention for their children, and thus for themselves, and seek it with unreasonable demands and undocumented differences: rallying against nuts or milk products or berries in school cafeterias or demanding extra attention because a child is simply undisciplined.  Therein lies the problem.

A couple of years ago I was instructing my middle son to do something that he had neglected to attend to.  He responded, “Mom, you’re damaging my self-esteem.”  I looked him right in the eye and said, “It’s called self-esteem for a reason.”  You and your child may not be Mozart or Julie Andrews.  You’re probably not Julio Jones or Peyton Manning.  And while you may be good at math, there’s only one Gabriel Carroll or Zerah Colburn.  But, we can all be forces for good.  We can be special if we just do our stuff:  job, school, yard work, laundry.  If we could all just agree that average is the new special, then, maybe we all can relax, sit on the porch, and have that beer.