“I’m sorry.” Two
words that are expected to heal a multitude of hurts. Well, that and about 2-6 months of
apologizing over and over again, as well as the natural tendency many humans
have to beat themselves up after a misstep, even when it’s been forgiven and
forgotten by the offended party. The
idea that we must all keep apologizing is unsound. There are certainly some things you apologize
for. Other things you should never
apologize for. And, some, well, it can
be a slippery slope.
Recently, I visited a friend in the hospital. She was recovering from invasive surgery the
result of which required painkillers which in turn caused “loopiness” and
exhaustion. Less than 24 hours after her
surgery, I was sitting in her room with her.
We were doing the normal hospital nothing-and-everything chatting that
people do when they are simply passing time together. Inside of three hours, this lovely lady
apologized for: being in pain, closing
her eyes, wincing in pain, not having her phone on, not talking much, and
needing to go to the bathroom. She also
apologized to the nurse for her IV getting infiltrated. Goodness, I think if you have major surgery,
you are totally exempt from the need to apologize for anything until
you have regained your strength and your senses. (Note: This may take 4-8 weeks, lots of sympathy and love, as well as several pints of ice cream.)
Years ago, my sister was hospitalized after a car
wreck. It was serious. ICU-serious.
Everything that we did and talked about was life-and-death serious. After she died, I remember crying a lot. Not only at the hospital, but also at
home. At work. At Walmart.
Everywhere. I found myself saying,
“Sorry. My sister just died.” What?
Why was I apologizing? I didn’t
kill her. I had nothing to be sorry
for. William Carlos Williams has a poem that prescribes crying and wailing as a proper mourning technique. People who are grieving should
cry. Really, they only should apologize
if they don’t cry when a
loved one has died. When did it become
required to apologize for loving someone and missing them and shedding tears when
they are gone?
Civility yes.
Mindless empty apologies?
No. I am also tired of hearing
people apologize for talking to me on the phone. In my profession, I deal with a variety of client bases. These groups include teenagers, their parents, colleagues in our school, and college representatives. People
from all of these groups will call or email me with legitimate questions or
requests, and almost always I hear, “Sorry to bother you but…” or “Dear Ms. Johnson, I am sorry to email you
about this but…” Huh? It’s my JOB to provide you with information
and support – why on earth are you apologizing for asking me to do my job? C’mon in and let me know what you need. Say thank you when I’ve provided it and
begone!
There is a linguistic fad that is now passing (thankfully!)
that is a “sorry” in disguise. People
make an observation about other human beings and their actions, usually noting
something undesirable and then tagging the comment with “just sayin’.” For example:
“People should totally use their turn signals when driving. Just sayin’.” Or, “He doesn’t need to text me twenty times
a day. Just sayin’.” No. People should totally use their turn
signals. It’s a safety issue. It’s the law.
And, he probably doesn’t need to text you that much. No need to soften these comments with
implicit apologies for noting the assininity of the human race.
Other times the phrase “I’m sorry” is a catch-all. If a co-worker inquires how I am in the
morning, I might tell my colleague I’m not feeling great. The standard issue phrase that many people
pull out is “I’m sorry.” We all know
that this phrase actually means, “I care enough to utter two words but not
enough to ask you anything further; in fact, I must now go, so contact me again
when you are feeling better. Ado,
plebeian.” It’s okay. It’s not truly an apology and I don’t truly
need one from that person. I mean, the
colleague in question didn’t make me stay one hour and two margaritas too long
at book club last night. Also, when
someone mentions a death in the family, we can see the traditional “I’m sorry”
brought out. Here, of course, what we
are saying is that we are sorry for our interlocutor’s loss. In place of a more intimate inquiry, this
seems legitimate use of the phrase. Now,
you might argue that the aforementioned colleague is also sympathizing with our
condition. Not so. In the latter instance, the situation is out
of the respondent’s control, and an “I’m sorry” stands as a legitimate response
to a such a loss.
So, if you wrong someone – and I mean truly wrong someone,
not just push your cart around them in the grocery store or put your McDonald’s
cup under the ice dispenser before they even step up to the drink machine – by all
means apologize. Do it sincerely. Be sure to do it in a way that does not
negate the apology: “I’m sorry, but…”
does not count. “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again. What can I do to make this up to you?” Something like that. But, if you’ve had surgery, are asking for
something you are legitimately entitled to, or commenting on the foolishness of
people in general, no apology is necessary.
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