Turkey Talk

The smell of the turkey, the sound of TV football, the torture of small talk amongst family members.  Say what?  Yes, for many of us, as much as we love our family and as much as we want more time to spend with them, the small talk of family events can put us to sleep or get under our skin or grate on our nerves or send us running to the hills proclaiming that we will live alone in a cave forever.  It can be a challenge to connect meaningfully with those you see a couple of times a year, and sometimes even more so with those that you live with, but now are spending a purposeful day or weekend of proclaimed FAMILY TIME. 

Little ones play and share together more easily than we adults do many times.  Teenagers and young adults run the gamut of helpful and cheerful to sulky and texty.   Adults range from pretentious and all-knowing to silent and judgmental.  We seem to be pretty good at talking with those who are at similar stages of life as we are, but shift the ages apart by fifteen or more years, and silence and resentment may take over.  Making intergenerational conversation can be rough.  Let me suggest a few things that might make connecting with each other easier.

Adults, avoid asking your teenage or young adult interlocutor about school, college plans, or majors right off the bat.  That’s all they are ever asked.  Start instead with what they have been reading, watching, or listening to.  Tell them about a cool TED talk you recently watched or a new hobby you are embarking on.  If you must talk school, ask them to tell you the funniest thing that happened in calculus class or about their most recent poetry analysis for world lit.  Start a real conversation. Remember, young people are people too.  They are not just automatons caught in the machine we call education. In creative writing class a few years ago a student wrote a poem about applying to college in which she lamented that the only question she was ever asked was “Where are you going to college?”  The response she wanted to give was, “Fuck you, where are you going to college?”  The repetition of the same themes is dull for everyone, and for the younger person, the answers to such questions can be filled with fear and angst.  Pretend the young people are real, then your time talking with them will be more satisfying for all involved.

Younger people:  engage your adult friends and family in conversation about something more than the weather.  Do not text or check your phone while talking to them.  Look them in the eye.  Smile a little bit.  If they must ask questions about getting into college or majors, answer and redirect to more interesting or comforting topics.  Ask them what they are reading, their latest promotion at work, or the community groups they are involved in.  If you absolutely can’t stand one more “What are you going to major in?”  - make up some unexpected answers ahead of time, give the answer, and walk away.  Use different answers with different people.  Don’t worry, no one will call you out on it, and you’ll give them something to talk about until Christmas. 

To wit:

What are you going to major in?                     Nuclear Biology 

What are you going to major in?                     Literature of Little People
What are you going to major in?                     Sculpture with a Concentration in Nudes

What are you going to major in?                     Genetics of Prehistoric Reptiles

Where do you want to go to college?             Hawaii-Pacific

Where do you want to go to college?             College of Southern Idaho

Where do you want to go to college?             Talmudic College of Florida

Where do you want to go to college?             FU*

What are you doing to do with that major?    Think “Dexter.”

What are you doing to do with that major?    Move to Vladivostok for graduate studies

What are you doing to do with that major?    Laboratory experiments on mole rats

What are you doing to do with that major?    Move back home

Adults, please, please, please do not condescend when a young person tells you what they want to do.  Don’t tell them it is a mistake.  And, whether you think what they are doing is a mistake or not, ask questions.  The more questions you ask about a young person’s goals or plans or ideas, the more you will understand their generation and that precious individual.  Avoid phrases like, “There’s no money in that…” or  “We never really agreed with what your dad did, and well…”  “Are you sure?  You used to be so good at math…”  Listen actively to what those younger have to say.  Make suggestions if you must, but these are young people who need questions asked and a sounding board that doesn’t try to negate away their ideas. 

Why is it so very easy to listen to what eight year-olds want to be when they grow up?  We can listen to their most far-fetched ideas, “I want to be a jewelry maker who is a vet and own a business that gives out milkshakes to children.”  Fantastic!  Even the kids who have no idea, “Well, I want to collect garbage” get a positive response:  “Then, be the best garbage person you can be!”  But, if a twenty year-old has decided a four year degree is not for her and she’s going to do a twelve month program in physical therapy assisting, part-time while bartending, we scorn her for not finishing college.  What is that all about?  Think of the negativity of the nightly news, the economy, the world disasters – these are people who are trying to create and launch a life and a career amidst all of this.  Be positive. 

Younger folks, if you find you are stuck with a negative or frightening family member or someone who is hell bent on telling you horror stories about their neighbor’s uncle’s cousin who went to school to major in that and then was unemployed and had to claw his way out of drug addiction just because of choosing the wrong college – well, stand up, politely offer to get that person another drink and be done.  Yes, many of those who are older than you are wise, have good suggestions, and really do want to support you.  Many of them have few real ideas on how to offer that support in a way that is meaningful and translatable.  Some of them believe they have the monopoly on truth and real life. 

In summary, it may all come down to remembering that we are all human beings with common interests and struggles.  We are all people who are trying to do something with our lives.  The more we are genuinely interested in each other and support each other, the better off we will all be – age be damned and pass the mashed potatoes.

*Note:  FU is the abbreviation for Furman University.  All of these are real colleges and very fine institutions in their own rights. 

Big Box Stores and Gratitude

I remember when I actively realized that not everyone was raised as I was.  It was my freshman year of college. And, to be honest, it came late.  I mean, by the time I was a freshman in college, I had studied three languages and the cultures of those countries and traveled to the Soviet Union. Thanks to my parents, I had traveled extensively around the country on a variety of vacations.  While my high school was not a bastion of diversity, I certainly knew peers from different ethnic and religious backgrounds.  I don’t remember the incident that prompted my delayed epiphany, but I distinctly remember that I was walking down Dubuque Street in Iowa City toward Mayflower within sight of the Iowa River.  Something clicked in my brain and I actively, cognitively thought, “Not everyone grew up with two parents, a dog, siblings, and celebrating holidays.” 

The traditions of Thanksgiving are clear: eat, watch football, eat, be grateful, eat, see a parade, eat, hang out with family, and eat.  Or at least some incarnation of this.  Right?  That is what we all are meant to be doing on Thanksgiving.  The next day, of course, we all go shopping on the frighteningly monikered Black Friday. 

In the past few years, there have been more and more Thanksgiving Day Sales at stores and malls. The idea is to beat the crowds and rush of Black Friday (not to mention fatten the wallets of corporations).  This year, I am seeing a sort of grass roots movement  happening on social media that suggests that shopping on Thanksgiving is heretical. While I am not a big box store fan and I understand there are larger issues with such corporations, I see a problem with this logic. This movement equates shopping the “big box retailers” on Thanksgiving with enslaving the people who work at such stores.  The general thought is that if you shop on Thanksgiving, you are forcing the employees of these stores to work, and you are consequently ruining their holiday.  This line of thought continues: if we all band together and refuse to shop on Thanksgiving Day, then the corporate entities that are open on this holiday will be adversely affected, see the error of their capitalistic ways, and close their doors, allowing their employees the day off to spend with family.  And, that is precisely what all Americans want to do on the fourth Thursday of November, right?

The continuation of this boycott shopping-on-Thanksgiving movement equates shopping on Thanksgiving as being against raising the minimum wage and being against unionization. And, if you do not shop on Thanksgiving, you are somehow supporting those who are working for minimum wage in these retail establishments. I didn’t major in economics, but there’s a flaw in that reasoning somewhere. 

Actually, I see several errors in this whole line of thinking.  The first is that by shopping on Thanksgiving you are ruining an employee’s holiday.  What I know is that the day of the holiday is not nearly as important as how and with whom one celebrates it – if one chooses to celebrate it at all. If a person has to work on a holiday, it is possible to celebrate the holiday one day early or later that evening.  Folks, the holiday doesn’t create the meaningfulness of the day – the people with whom and the way in which you celebrate it is what counts.  We can have Thanksgiving on Wednesday or Saturday – who cares?  A celebration of gratitude and food and football can be on any day.  And, those who work on holidays often do celebrate on another day.  Furthermore, not everyone wants to celebrate Thanksgiving.  Some people are pleased to work on this day for their own reasons.  It might surprise us to realize that there are people in this country who don’t buy into the whole media-driven holiday celebrations.  There are families and individuals who celebrate in their own ways that might be foreign to you, but meaningful for them.  There are also families and individuals who choose not to celebrate for their own reasons, and, brace yourself, they are just as happy and well-adjusted as those who do celebrate.

Second, many establishments are open on the majority of holidays: hospitals, fire departments, the army, convenience stores, and restaurants.  A few years ago, the boys and I had just moved into an apartment from a house on a large tract of land.  I did not want to make a Thanksgiving dinner in a galley kitchen to eat at our tiny round table.  I just wasn’t in the mood.  So, we went to a local hotel that serves a glorious buffet all day long, and we enjoyed a hearty Thanksgiving dinner there.  It was wonderful.  I am grateful to this day for the service that everyone involved with the production of that dinner provided.  Almost 21 years ago, I had a premature baby two days before Christmas under emergency conditions.  I’m sure glad the hospitals were open and the doctors, nurses, orderlies, and food service workers did not express that I was ruining their holiday by being there.

Of the people that are working on Thanksgiving, I’m sure that some of them hate it and want to be home.  I’m equally sure that some of them have rearranged their celebrations to accommodate their work schedules, and that there are those who don’t care to celebrate any way.  If you believe that boycotting such stores will be beneficial to the workers, you are entitled to think this and act on it. If you believe that not shopping on Thanksgiving will make the employees of the stores in question happier and make them feel appreciated, that’s your right as well.

How about, though, the next time you are in one of those huge stores and can’t find what you’re looking for, you talk to an associate politely?  I can think of so many of times I’ve been in such a store, seen shoppers huffing around and looking for assistance, then, when they finally find someone to ask the location of the Q-tips, the shopper treats that worker like a mangy dog in an alley.  Want to let the workers in these big box stores know you appreciate their job?  Be nice. Be patient.  Ask nicely and say thank you after they help you.  Here’s another idea: when you are pushing your cart with one box of microwave popcorn in it and an employee of such a store is pushing a giant dolly weighed down with hundreds of 18-count cartons of eggs that he can’t see over – get out of his way.  Don’t stand there, get offended, and mutter obscenity if you have to go around him to the next aisle. 

Real meaningful ways to show appreciation and gratitude to those who work in large retail establishments exist – and, maybe, just maybe, those ways have nothing to do with how or when they or we celebrate November 28, 2013.  Whether you are going to one of these stores this week to buy a turkey and stuffing; or whether you shop on Thanksgiving Day; or whether you never go the big box retailers, remember: not everyone marks holidays in the same way or at the same time.  If we all can appreciate and understand the lives of others, we all might have a bit more happiness this holiday season.  That’s something we all can be grateful for.

An Attitude of Gratitude - Sort Of

A few weeks ago I was out with some friends for a drink and a snack.  During the course of this outing, everyone was on and off their phones – texting with absent spouses; responding to teen children who were out doing their own thing; or checking in with the babysitter of smaller children.   I was not above the obligatory phone check.  However, when I returned home, I was perusing Face Book, and I noticed that one of the friends who had been at our outing had updated her status:  “Having a great time with friends – love them all!”  The time stamp was in the middle of our time together.  Huh?  Why did she post this for others to see rather than putting the phone in her purse, and telling us all how much she was enjoying herself and how glad she was that we were all together?  I was flummoxed.  But, she is not alone. 

A similar phenomenon circulating on Face Book is appreciation memes.  Such stickers are a way of showing love or appreciation for someone in your life.  And they are almost as annoying as the if-I-can-get-one-million-likes-I-get-a-new-spleen-or-new-puppy memes.  To wit:

What?  How about if you love your daughter, call her have a meaningful chat?  If you love your son, take him to dinner?  Proofread his college app for him?  Take your daughter to the movies? I don’t believe my mom has ever posted this kind of thing, but I kind of hope she doesn’t.  I know my mom loves me, and I bet you do, too.  You don’t need this kind of cheesy virtual sign to remind you.  And, if this kind of sign is the first inkling you have of your mother’s love, there is something amiss. 

How about this one:

Hey, if you really love your husband, I bet I can think of a few actions he’d rather be the recipient of than your liking and sharing this.

Now, to add insult to injury, it is November again, and I have another thing to be curmudgeonly about:  thankfulness statuses on Face Book.  Some of my friends and many acquaintances will spend the next twenty-eight days posting one thing a day that they are thankful for.  They started out big yesterday:  “I’m thankful I’m a child of God” and “I’m so thankful for my wife and children; they are the lights of my life.”  But, these attitudes of gratitude will peter out by mid-month, and I may have to block some people: “So thankful for plastic grocery bags to scoop the poop into” and “Love that we have indoor plumbing.”

Before you label me a year-round Scrooge, let me clearly point out the problem here. We all need to be grateful in an on-going and active way, especially for the big things. If you are reading this, it is likely that you are educated, have a roof over your head, and reasonable nourishment for the foreseeable future.  You are better off than approximately 73% of the world’s population.  You need to act on your gratitude.  Why confine expressions of thankfulness to November? On Face Book?  And, how can one really sum up one’s love and gratitude in a four line status?  Are the recipients’ hearts warmed? Or do you simply feel better about the eleven months in which you take these people and things for granted?

I think electronic media has shrunk our ability to express ourselves in all different ways, and many of us have relegated expressions of gratitude and love to statuses and tweets.  Saying “I love you” is much safer through the bits and bytes that carry computerized messages than saying it face-to-face. Distance ameliorates the heartbreak of a non-response to proffered love. Furthermore, I have noticed that very few people – from the cashier at Target to my own children – don’t know how to say, “you’re welcome.”  If someone shoots them a “thanks” – that person may get back nothing, a grunt, or if they're very lucky, “no prob.”  Saying thank you should be a daily and face-to-face thing.

Now, you may argue that people move and fall out of touch.  These virtual messages are a great way to get back in touch, aren’t they?  Post a status about what a good friend he is and tag him in it, preferably with a funny throwback picture (bonus points if the picture is on a #throwbackThursday). A notification pops up on his phone; suddenly, you’re back in touch, right?  This computerized thankfulness seems to have degraded our communication skills and, seemingly, our real emotions.  It is also this kind of thing that encourages distance between people. 

If really want to thank you for something, I should come to you and thank you.  I should shake your hand.  Give you a hug.  At least write you a hand-written note. Bake you cookies? How about a sincere expression of real emotion? Shouldn’t I?  Has it become just too easy to fire off an email or a status an call it done?  Sure seems like it.

So, if you really feel you have to participate in the thankful status November thing, that’s fine. But it’s not enough.  Step out from behind the computer and actually thank people – in person.  And, when someone thanks you – say “you’re welcome” and mean it.  After all, love is an action, a verb, and it is out of love that gratitude springs.

Thank you.