I'm Done Being a Mother

I said something over Christmas break when all three of my children were at the dinner table that I’ve been wrestling with ever since.  At first, I castigated myself and considered apologizing.  Then, after some thought – the kind some people might call soul searching – I came to believe that I couldn’t really apologize for something that I mean.

Apple slices.  I had simply forgotten to slice the apples and put them on the table. We had just sat down to one of the evening meals that I had spent about three hours on – planning, shopping, making sure it would have both carnivore and herbivore appeal, and preparing – and I realized I had forgotten the apples.  I asked if anyone really wanted apples, and the responses were varied.  Tired and not really willing to slice even one apple, I said, “Well, if you want apples, you can cut them yourself.”   There followed some jovial banter about if I truly loved them I would cut apples because that’s what mothers do.  My response: “I’m kind of done mothering.”

We proceeded to eat dinner amiably, but that last sentence stuck around.  It hung in the air for a bit, and then descended and started lurking in corners around the house.  One of my sons brought it up jokingly when I mentioned there were snacks they could help themselves to.  I even wrote a poem about it.  Since then, though, I have been embracing the truth in that statement.

Of course, I'll always be a mother.  Being a mother is one of the roles that I am most proud of in my life.  But, I am many other things.  My boys are growing up.  My mom once told me that "the point of being a parent is to work yourself out of a job."  In many respects that's true.  I don't change diapers any more; I don' t shop for Garanimals for them any more; and, as I have recently had to remind my youngest, I don't need to see anything below your waist unless you think something is wrong down there.  I'm in a transition phase of this mom job.

I’m done mothering in as much as it means I have to cut apple slices for men/boys who are 21, 18 and 12.  I’m done mothering in as much as it means I need to do laundry for those self-same people.  I’m not willing to plan perfectly balanced suppers any more, and I’m not going to pack healthful lunches with smiley face notes.   That’s the kind of mothering I am done with.  My youngest son suggested a few days ago that if I get lonely once they all leave home, I could adopt a child.  No.  There are women who want to keep mothering young children indefinitely; I know some of them.  I respect them.  I do not want to do that. 

I don’t really want to shoot baskets in the driveway any more.  I mean, I will do that but…get a friend or brother to join you.  I’m not picking up your belongings because you had a long day at school – so did I.  I have had twenty-one years of long days at school.  Make your own lunch for tomorrow, and you can help make supper, too.

I am not suggesting that my sons are sloppy or inconsiderate or demanding.  My middle son has done his own laundry since middle school. My eldest might tell you that he has always felt older than he is due to my parenting.  Overall,  I have put lots of effort into raising them to be considerate, kind, and thoughtful.  They almost always are.  They are pretty independent, too.  When I go to book club, they make their own supper and clean it up.  It's funny when I see a mother who plans to go to her child’s college town on the child’s birthday to celebrate with him.  Here’s a spoiler: the kid doesn’t want you to do that.  Send them a new sweater, a funny card, and some money.  Such mothers are trying to keep themselves occupied and their children young and dependent.  

Just like those birthday-celebrating mothers continue to do, I have put enormous pressure on myself over the years to make sure my sons’ socks match and their nice shirts are on the hangers and there's a vegetable and starch and protein on every plate at every meal.  I have been the slave-master and slave at the same time.  A slave to whatever I thought I “should do” or that I thought other mothers were doing and that I needed to do to “keep up” or risk having socially-stunted and unkind children going out my door each morning.  Now, I certainly don’t care if your socks match or your jeans are neatly pressed.  If you have french fries and cheese for supper when I'm at work late, then ok. I’m done embracing mothering pressure.   

I’m done mothering if your room is messy or your fail to brush your hair. I’m done mothering if you want a snack but can’t see the pile of clementines or box of granola bars or jar of cookies.  I will usually make supper, but just know that unless it’s a holiday, I’m not really feeling it.  I’ll help with homework if I can, but that’s unlikely.  You’ll probably have to stay after school for help from the teacher and study with friends.  I am happy to listen to laments about friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, finances, school, and jobs; that’s the kind of mothering I will always be available for.  I’ll discuss politics, religion, television, movies, and social trends.  I’ll always be there to hug you and tell you I love you.  Always.  But, I’m not going to make sure your sock drawer is in order or that your underwear is folded.    I’ll make sure you aren’t living in your own filth if you are in my home.  If you’re on your own, you really should clean up, but I’m not going to come by and check.

There are all kinds of mothers in the world, and I’d like to think that I have been a decent one for twenty-one years and that I will continue to evolve in this position.  I’m done mothering boys.  I’ll happily mother young men, but they are going to have to cut their own apples.

On Single Mothers, Sex, and Making Choices

For four years I taught an introductory course called “Women’s Literature and Issues” at an independent high school in Augusta, Georgia.  The type of school and location is important.  Being independent, this school allows teachers to create courses, get them approved, and then, pending student enrollment of eight or more students, teach the course. Augusta, Georgia is worth noting because this is a conservative state and community.  Not just conservative politics.  To wit, there is a wildly popular program called “Social” here.  Starting in sixth grade, parents enroll their children to learn manners and various ballroom dancing throughout the next five years.  If you are among the elite, you will be selected to be in Cotillion – that is, you will be a student-teacher and then at the spring formal that is held yearly in the convention center, the girl will wear a white bridal type dress and present the best dances with her carefully selected be-tuxed partner.  Probably a partner her mother lined up for her back when she was in third grade; that’s when a mother approached me asking if my eldest would be her daughter’s social partner in middle school.  Because of the educational opportunities afforded by my school and in spite of the socially conservative traditions of the community at-large, I had a strong enrollment in a course that reviewed women in history and literature, as well as discussed the issues of women in the Middle East and across the world.  When I accepted an administrative position, something had to give – it was this class.  Well, evidently, I need to get back at it.  Too many comments and articles have crossed my screen recently about single mothers and feminism for me to stay silent.

Item One:  A New York Times Article: “Single Mothers With Family Values” http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/27/opinion/sunday/single-mothers-with-family-values.html?_r=0

The thrust of the article is that family values are found primarily in Christian and Republican tradition. Not so.  Any single mother who is caring for herself and her children values her family, regardless of religion and politics.  To be fair the article notes a couple of democrats, a libertarian, and a Hindu.  However, the article centers on women who have embraced Christian and conservative ideals as a path to success.  The article notes, “Ms. Maggio credits God, not government assistance, with helping her climb out of poverty.”  Say what? This woman reportedly went from welfare to a six-figure banking career, and she is unwilling to give a nod to the assistance that helped keep her off the street?  Even more disturbing:  she doesn’t take any credit for her own, presumably, hard work or business acumen in the rise. 

Okay, so one can argue that if a person wants to credit God with their success, she is entitled to do so.  Granted.  However, her refusal to give any credit to assistance or herself can incriminate women who do take credit for pulling themselves up by their bootstraps.  Women who are smart and hard-working are being discredited by women who refuse to take credit for their accomplishments.  The implication is:  tithe, credit God, and it will all be okay.  Oh, let me mention that she is now married – that’s another perk of this self-effacing paradigm. Work hard, use government assistance, take and give no credit to anyone except God, and then you’ll have riches and a husband. 

I’m getting a little queasy.

Item Two:  Another New York Times Article:  “Sex on Campus: She Can Play that Game, Too.”  http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/14/fashion/sex-on-campus-she-can-play-that-game-too.html

Women are hooking up on campus with no intention of finding Mr. Right or even pursuing a relationship.  Women want to do their own thing and have some uncommitted sex in their free time.  Dandy.  Men have been doing this for millennia.  However, there is a woman, Susan Patton who “wrote a letter to The Daily Princetonian urging female undergraduates not to squander the chance to hunt for a husband on campus, say that de-emphasizing relationships in college works against women.”  To be specific, Mrs. Patton suggests that, “For most of you, the cornerstone of your future and happiness will be inextricably linked to the man you marry, and you will never again have this concentration of men who are worthy of you.” 

Oh, dear.  Well, luckily Princeton is not handing out MRS degrees.  Certainly, many of us meet future partners in our college years.  We might debate whether or not that is a good thing.  However, the suggestion that it is incumbent upon young women to find a husband in college in order to secure the “cornerstone of …happiness” is ridiculous.  Many women do not want to marry.  Of those that do, a great many will divorce.  Furthermore, why is the advice to snag a smart wife not being given to men?  It would seem that the suggestion is that men can be successful on their own while women need a smart husband in order to succeed. Why, oh why, is a successful business woman (who, incidentally did not follow this advice in her youth), foisting such a load on younger women?  People  – regardless of gender - need to be educated and mentored to make informed decisions about marriage and relationships.  And, they need to know that they can be successful without a partner.  Marriage is not required.  Mrs. Patton – sit down.

I definitely feel nauseous.

Item Three:  The stay-at-home mom vs. working mom debate that has been aired nationally on television and in print media.

“What do you do all day?”

“Your children will be drug dealers and prostitutes unless you are home with them.”

“Must be nice to have the whole day to yourself.”

“If you give up your job, you’ll regret it forever.”

“If you stay at your job, you’ll regret it forever.”

The dialogue can go on and on.  The more it goes on, the more vitriolic it becomes.  I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for a grand total of ten months, plus summers when I was a classroom teacher.  The rest of my career, I have been a working mother.  I had my first child in the first five months of my first job. 

Web MD reports, “In a 2005 study, the U.S. Census Bureau reported an estimated 5.6 million stay-at-home moms. That is a 22% increase from 1994.  ‘It used to be more popular and widely accepted for moms to work,’ says Cara Gardenswartz, PhD, a clinical psychologist in independent practice in Beverly Hills, Calif. ‘There's been a backlash, because right now, there's actually more status to not be a working mom.’”  I take issue with Dr. Gardenswartz’s assertion.  I think the prestige of being a stay at home mother is highly dependent upon the area of the country one lives in and the profession in question.  Here in the South, there is a definite wealthier class perception that if the mom works there is something wrong with the family.  This is not something that I encountered when I lived in the suburbs of Chicago. 

One of the original points of the women’s movement was to validate and open up opportunities for women to have careers.  This point continues in the current-day conversation of salary equality and glass ceilings.  But, stay at home moms and working mothers have taken each other on in a battle that vilifies everyone.  Isn’t the point here for women to have choices in a wide variety?  But women have too long tried to prescribe ways of living for other women rather than encouraging each other in our different pursuits.

This idea is illustrated well in this clip from the movie Mona Lisa Smile that I used to show in my women’s lit class.  Joan (in white) has been grappling with wanting to go to Yale Law and wanting to be married.  Her art history instructor, Miss Watson, has spent the semester encouraging the girls in her class to make their own choices (so she believes):

Several important points rise to the top here:

1.       Ladies, if you are a single mother, you deserve a lot of credit.  Take it.  Take a bow.

2.      Men and women, you do not have to get married.  Unlike in the board game Life, it is not a requirement.  Having a partner is an option.

3.       There is a myriad of choices available to everyone – explore them. Take charge of your choices.  Don’t coast through marriage and family decisions on some kind of default setting.

4.      Rather than telling others to marry or not to have sex or to join a church, help others think through how they want to live.

I feel better now.