I have been absent.
For a month to the day. I’d like
to say that I’ve been off doing wonderful things and being fascinating, but
that would be a stretch of the truth. I
have had some experiences that got me thinking, judging, and thinking about
judging.
During my hiatus, I had an airplane trip which included a
layover in the early morning. As I sat
in a sports bar-turned-half-breakfast-joint having toast and diet coke, the
question occurred to me: what kind of
people drink hard liquor at eight in the morning? Evidently, quite a few on this particular day.
A ten dollar pint well before noon? Sure! A low ball of Jack with eggs? Why not? Tequila with a breakfast burrito? Absolutely. Is this how people live or is all
common sense and perception of propriety suspended when one steps into an airport?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m the first to have a noontime
margarita by the pool on a mid-June Saturday or a brunch mimosa on any given
Sunday, but hard liquor at eight in the morning seems excessive.
Perhaps the contention of travel must be assuaged by
spirits? That might have been the case for Midge –who sat next to me berating her
husband loudly. Annoyance hovered
between them just above the carry-on emblazoned with her name. I don’t know where they were going, but I learned
that they just arrived into the airport; they had not been traveling
internationally in some irritated fashion, but they were clearly tense. I wondered if alcohol would be a part of the
solution to their tension. Even if it
wasn’t, the combination of breakfast drinks and anger had all the makings of a
long day for them.
A couple at the bar were three beers
and one shot in each – before nine. Perhaps
they were on the way to a reunion? A
funeral? Or some other highly-charged event so this early morning pub stop
helps them escape themselves, the impending crush of family, and the
resurrection of childhood’s injustices and favoritisms?
Lest you think I’m sitting in
self-righteous judgement, I was reminded of Shannon, Ireland where I arrived at
what was – to me – cocktail & snack time, but what was locally known as
breakfast time. I had a pint and a
sausage with friends. No self-recriminations at all. I might have had a second pint. Perhaps there was a 47 year-old Irish woman
watching our group and wondering much the same that I was wondering last week.
But, that day I was in
Charlotte. Midge and husband have come
past security to wait for a delayed flight.
Same for the bar couple. (Yes, I was eavesdropping.) There were no international
semi-rational-time-change-jet-lag excuses.
Do these people go by bars on their ways to work? Do they take a shot after dropping off the
kids at school? After morning
Zumba?
I want to write “I’m not judging,”
but the fact of the matter is I was judging. Taking a step back, I realize that I don’t care when or what
people drink. Just because I did not
deem morning drinking appropriate for myself that morning, does not mean it is
wrong. Extend that into the world, and I
think we all might be able to learn a lesson:
just because something isn’t for you, doesn’t make it capital W
wrong.
College major? Whatever excites you. Religious beliefs? Personal choice. Political inclinations? Think for yourself. Children or no? It’s up to you. A drink in the morning at the Charlotte
airport? Your call.
I’d like to think I was judging
the effect of travel, airport bars, and freedom, but that’s not the truth. I was judging the people and their
motivations. It doesn't matter where you are or what you are doing, the personal choices that you make are just that – personal. After all, once you
take off your shoes and get felt up by security, the world truly is your oyster
(shooter).
I think I need to take Rumi’s travel
suggestion to heart: “Out beyond ideas
of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field, I will meet you there.” Won’t you join me?
For four years I taught an introductory course called “Women’s
Literature and Issues” at an independent high school in Augusta, Georgia. The type of school and location is
important. Being independent, this
school allows teachers to create courses, get them approved, and then, pending
student enrollment of eight or more students, teach the course. Augusta,
Georgia is worth noting because this is a conservative state and
community. Not just conservative
politics. To wit, there is a wildly
popular program called “Social” here.
Starting in sixth grade, parents enroll their children to learn manners
and various ballroom dancing throughout the next five years. If you are among the elite, you will be
selected to be in Cotillion – that is, you will be a student-teacher and then
at the spring formal that is held yearly in the convention center, the girl
will wear a white bridal type dress and present the best dances with her carefully selected be-tuxed partner.
Probably a partner her mother lined up for her back when she was in third
grade; that’s when a mother approached me asking if my eldest would be her
daughter’s social partner in middle school.
Because of the educational opportunities afforded by my school and in
spite of the socially conservative traditions of the community at-large, I had a
strong enrollment in a course that reviewed women in history and literature, as
well as discussed the issues of women in the Middle East and across the world. When I accepted an administrative position,
something had to give – it was this class.
Well, evidently, I need to get back at it. Too many comments and articles have crossed
my screen recently about single mothers and feminism for me to stay silent.
The thrust of the article is that family values are
found primarily in Christian and Republican tradition. Not so.
Any single mother who is caring for herself and her children values her
family, regardless of religion and politics. To be fair the article notes a
couple of democrats, a libertarian, and a Hindu. However, the article centers on women who
have embraced Christian and conservative ideals as a path to success. The article notes, “Ms. Maggio credits God,
not government assistance, with helping her climb out of poverty.” Say what? This woman reportedly went from
welfare to a six-figure banking career, and she is unwilling to give a nod to
the assistance that helped keep her off the street? Even more disturbing: she doesn’t take any credit for her own,
presumably, hard work or business acumen in the rise.
Okay, so one can argue that if a person wants to credit God
with their success, she is entitled to do so.
Granted. However, her refusal to
give any credit to assistance or herself can incriminate women who do take
credit for pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. Women who are smart and hard-working are
being discredited by women who refuse to take credit for their
accomplishments. The implication
is: tithe, credit God, and it will all
be okay. Oh, let me mention that she is
now married – that’s another perk of this self-effacing paradigm. Work hard, use
government assistance, take and give no credit to anyone except God, and then
you’ll have riches and a husband.
Women are hooking up on campus with no intention of finding
Mr. Right or even pursuing a relationship.
Women want to do their own thing and have some uncommitted sex in their
free time. Dandy. Men have been doing this for millennia. However, there is a woman, Susan Patton who “wrote a letterto
The Daily Princetonian urging female undergraduates not to squander the chance
to hunt for a husband on campus, say that de-emphasizing relationships in
college works against women.” To
be specific, Mrs. Patton suggests that, “For most of you, the cornerstone of
your future and happiness will be inextricably linked to the man you marry, and
you will never again have this concentration of men who are worthy of you.”
Oh, dear.
Well, luckily Princeton is not handing out MRS degrees. Certainly, many of us meet future partners in
our college years. We might debate
whether or not that is a good thing.
However, the suggestion that it is incumbent upon young women to find a husband
in college in order to secure the “cornerstone of …happiness” is
ridiculous. Many women do not want to
marry. Of those that do, a great many
will divorce. Furthermore, why is the
advice to snag a smart wife not being given to men? It would seem that the suggestion is that men
can be successful on their own while women need a smart husband in order to succeed.
Why, oh why, is a successful business woman (who, incidentally did not follow
this advice in her youth), foisting such a load on younger women? People – regardless of gender - need to be educated
and mentored to make informed decisions about marriage and relationships. And, they need to know that they can be
successful without a partner. Marriage
is not required. Mrs. Patton – sit down.
I definitely feel nauseous.
Item Three: The stay-at-home mom vs. working mom debate
that has been aired nationally on television and in print media.
“What do you do all day?”
“Your children will be drug dealers and prostitutes unless
you are home with them.”
“Must be nice to have the whole day to yourself.”
“If you give up your job, you’ll regret it forever.”
“If you stay at your job, you’ll regret it forever.”
The dialogue can go on and on. The more it goes on, the more vitriolic it
becomes. I’ve been a stay-at-home mom
for a grand total of ten months, plus summers when I was a classroom
teacher. The rest of my career, I have
been a working mother. I had my first
child in the first five months of my first job.
Web MD reports, “In a 2005 study, the U.S. Census Bureau reported an
estimated 5.6 million stay-at-home moms. That is a 22% increase from 1994. ‘It used to be more popular and widely
accepted for moms to work,’ says Cara Gardenswartz, PhD, a clinical
psychologist in independent practice in Beverly Hills, Calif. ‘There's been a
backlash, because right now, there's actually more status to not be a working
mom.’” I take issue with Dr.
Gardenswartz’s assertion. I think the prestige
of being a stay at home mother is highly dependent upon the area of the country
one lives in and the profession in question.
Here in the South, there is a definite wealthier class perception that
if the mom works there is something wrong with the family. This is not something that I encountered when
I lived in the suburbs of Chicago.
One of the original points of the women’s movement was to
validate and open up opportunities for women to have careers. This point continues in the current-day
conversation of salary equality and glass ceilings. But, stay at home moms and working mothers
have taken each other on in a battle that vilifies everyone. Isn’t the point here for women to have choices
in a wide variety? But women have too long
tried to prescribe ways of living for other women rather than encouraging each
other in our different pursuits.
This idea is illustrated well in this clip from the movie Mona Lisa Smile that I used to show in
my women’s lit class. Joan (in white) has been grappling with wanting to go to Yale Law and wanting to be married. Her art history instructor, Miss Watson, has spent the semester encouraging the girls in her class to make their own choices (so she believes):
Several important points rise to the top here:
1. Ladies, if you are a single mother, you
deserve a lot of credit. Take it. Take a bow.
2.Men and women, you do
not have to get married. Unlike in the
board game Life, it is not a
requirement. Having a partner is an
option.
3. There is a myriad of choices available to
everyone – explore them. Take charge of your choices. Don’t coast through marriage and family
decisions on some kind of default setting.
4.Rather than telling
others to marry or not to have sex or to join a church, help others think
through how they want to live.
