Always Never Enough Time

This month there has been a lot going on.  For everyone.  Students have been taking exams.  Teachers were writing said exams.  Now, teachers are grading or avoiding grading those same exams. Throughout the past twenty-one days there have also been gifts to buy; services to attend; errands to run; meals to plan; family members to greet; cards to send (if you haven’t gotten one from me, it is because I’m doing New Year’s cards this year); parties to enjoy; trees to trim.  If you do not celebrate Christmas, you may be preparing to enjoy New Year’s or other celebrations or attending to other parts of life that are equally busy.  In the midst of all of the yearly Decembraic hustle and bustle, a number of my students got college admissions decisions. 

That’s right – just as they were studying for and taking their first semester finals, students were getting the fat envelope or the skinny envelope.  (Of course, for most colleges, those envelopes are virtual now.)  And, these students had to calm down enough to study or overcome disappointment well enough to study. One of the disappointed students noted: “It seems like colleges could find a better time to do this.  I mean, they know we have finals, right?”

He’s right.  There has to be a better time to do a lot of things.  There’s a reason for the old saying, “It doesn’t rain, it pours.”  

When I was younger I tried to do holidays perfectly and beautifully and traditionally, despite the fact that I have been a teacher who always found herself as stressed as students during exam week.  The holidays were put on the back burner until that was over, and then I really stressed out.   Now, I ask the people with whom I will be celebrating what they want.  Most of the time, they do not ask for perfection or beauty or tradition.  They ask for breakfast muffins, mimosa, a relaxed day, a little food, and music.  They ask not to have to do “screaming fiasco cookies” – that’s what my children came to call sugar cookie decorating.  Yeah, I used to be wound pretty tightly, and the cause was the crammed calendar that I let rule all too often. 

Perhaps over the course of the year, or maybe just for a certain given year, I suspect many of us would rearrange some holidays or birthdays or events to better suit what we have coming up.   If I could, I would space out the birthdays in my family a bit differently.   In my immediate family we have twelve members.  I’d like everyone to have their birthday on, say, the 15^th of the month – one per month.  Nope, our family has clusters in August-October and then January-March.  And, yes, as I have noted before, my mother has always said that they are on the same day every year, and it’s just a matter of planning.  Sure.  But life doesn’t always seem that simple, does it? 

Because among those birthdays and holidays are: the laundry, cleaning out the garage, making lunches, going to the gym, and feeding the pets.  Not to mention getting into college, taking tests, buying houses, getting new jobs – all of that sort of thing. 

Here’s the thing, though: that’s all life.  That’s what life is made of.  So many of us seem to think that life is the presents or what will happen “when I just…”  No, life is what is happening right now.  A friend of mine used to have this near her Face Book profile picture:  “Quit looking at my picture and go live your life.” 

As we buy our new planners and calendars for 2014, and as we celebrate the holiday season, it is my hope that even though life is crowded and birthdays are clustered and colleges send admissions decisions at the worst times, we are all able to enjoy all of the hectic and the relaxed parts of these wonderful journeys around the sun.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Today is the second to last weekend before Christmas. I don’t want to go out.  Stores will be packed; roads will be jammed.  As we all know:  Christmas is a commercial holiday – at least in part.  And, time is at a premium during this season.  We need time to shop, to bake, to decorate, to buy presents, to wrap presents, to plan, to send cards, to cook, to entertain, to be entertained; if you are a student, you also need time to study and take exams.  If you are a teacher, you are writing and grading said exams.  To all of the seasonal madness, you must not forget the laundry, grocery shopping, pet care, bathroom cleaning – whew – what are you supposed to do?  Where is all this time supposed to come from?

Middle son didn’t mean to, but he reminded me in the past few weeks.

Right after Thanksgiving, we went on a college visit from Georgia to Pennsylvania.  A twelve hour trip if you don’t stop for a Coke or the toilet.  Three days: one up, one there, one back.  On the way back, I mentioned that I had some friends in Virginia.  Son looked at me and said, “Well?  Let’s stop and visit them.”  I hemmed and hawed – I didn’t want to intrude on them; it was two hours off our intended path; they might be busy; we needed to get home. The whole thing came to this:

            Son: “When did you last see them?”

            Me: “1990.”

            Son: “Well, it’s time, don’t you think?”

These friends did not only want to see us, but they prepared lunch for us.  We hugged, talked, shared stories, and youngest son even got a piano lesson with a professional musician.  It took a few extra miles and one hour to bridge 23 years. 

It often seems easier to just click “like” on Face Book or post a meme that says something like “Share this if you love your family and friends at Christmas.”  This is especially true if one is introverted and likes home more than out.  (That’s me.)  Son unwittingly reminded me that face-to-face is better than Face Book. 

Like others I know, I often leave things until the last minute. After missing a family birthday some years ago, my mom said to me, “You know, Laura, birthdays and Christmas…they are on the same days every year.  You could plan ahead.”  I try.  But, I leave things until the second to last minute.

When one is rushed, it is easy to go through the holiday parties and gift wrapping robotically.  When that happens, we can end up feeling empty, tired, and frustrated.  When we feel badly, we don’t enjoy the holidays as we would like.  We don’t take the detour to see our friends.  Instead, we find ourselves saying, “Well, let’s go so we can get this over with,” about our holiday gatherings. 

Often admist our holiday rushings we hear and heartily agree with reminders to slow down and enjoy the season.  But we don’t do it.  Too much to do – too little time.  But, what amount of time to bridge a friendship?  To connect with colleagues over Jenga and wine?  To have cookies and watch “Charlie Brown Christmas” with our kids?  To reconnect over sandwiches and music?  The best gifts are those we make ourselves.  Make some time.

‘Tis the season.

Black Fridays: black holidays.

I did not go shopping on Black Friday.  I stayed home except for driving to school to retrieve a few things I need for an upcoming trip.  As I drove to school, I noticed a full parking lot at the nearby funeral home.  My heart was saddened for the people inside.  When a loved one dies, it is hard on those of us left behind.  It is even harder around the holiday season.  I know this because nine years ago my sister died.  She had a car wreck right before Thanksgiving, and she never recovered. 

When someone dies during the holidays, your holiday memories forever include that loss. You see, during the holidays, you are supposed to be cheerful, jolly even.  That is hard to do when someone you love has died.  William Carlos Williams has an excellent poem, “Tract,” that prescribes how people should act when they experience loss. 

In the poem, Williams laments the fact that funerals have become a show.  Indeed, some of the ritual of funerals and wakes and memorials and visitations are a show – a show designed to allow the grief-stricken time to gather and comfort each other.  A time to remember.  A time to mourn.  These are important aspects of the grieving process according to psychologists.  Having a funeral and its associated events are especially difficult during the holidays because people want to be merry during this time.  Being surrounded by societal merry-making while dealing with the sadness of loss is one of the worst sorts of conundrums.  You want to celebrate, but you also want and need to mourn.  It is a difficult place to be. Furthermore, the days are shorter and despite the lights twinkling along the roads, your heart does not light up easily. 

It can be hard to support friends who lose family members during the holidays, as well.  A few years ago an acquaintance of mine died.  I remember overhearing a conversation in which one person complained of having to go to the visitation before his office Christmas party.  Huh?  Is this a valid complaint?  His heart might just be a few sizes too small.  Death is never convenient, and sometimes those of us left living must attend to its details while buying Christmas presents or making latkes.  It’s not easy, but it has to be done.  One of the best things any human being can do for another is to sit, hold hands, and fetch tea for the mourning.  As my mom might say, you get extra stars in your crown if you do this when holiday details are tugging at your coat sleeves.

My sincerest wish for all of you reading is that you do not experience the death of a loved one during the holiday season, but some of you will.  Others of you will be called upon to support friends who lose family members during this most wonderful time of the year.  Still others of you will not experience the heartbreak of holiday time death

Williams writes in his second to last stanza:

“Go with some show

of inconvenience; sit openly—

to the weather as to grief.

Or do you think you can shut grief in?

What--from us? We who have perhaps

nothing to lose? Share with us

share with us--it will be money

in your pockets”

If your holiday is halted (heaven forbid) by a death in your family or if your festivities are slowed down so that you can support a friend who has lost a loved one – go and grieve openly with no shame.  Be sad.  Make tea.  Hold your friend’s hand.  Make a casserole.  Grieve.  The holiday will still be there when you are ready to join it – this year or next or the next.  If your car is one of those in the parking lot of a funeral home this season or if you revisit a loss each season, please know that my heart is with you.